Where Freedom Lies
by amerikanka
Summary: When the Order gets the news of Regulus Black's death, Marlene doesn't think that Sirius is taking it the right way. She enlightens him on things he never expected about his brother.


For the Romangst Challenge on the HPFC forums. It makes slightly more sense if you read it after _Laughing in 1979_, but you'll still understand it if you haven't.

* * *

Rain had been falling all night. Marlene stepped into the pub and Aberforth lead her into a back room. She removed her cloak and dried it with her wand as she stepped through the door, hanging it on a peg. "Hey, Mar. How are you?" Sirius asked as the blonde witch entered the private room at the back of the Hog's Head.

She ran a hand through her hair. "All right." She had a few new cuts that he hadn't noticed the last time he'd seen her, but she was still as beautiful as ever. Her dark blue eyes always held a spark of laughter and something made his heart jolt at seeing them. It seemed like anything could happen and she wouldn't be affected by it, even though he knew that was not the case. It was just nice to imagine that it was, that someone could hold up through the madness. "I'm as well as anyone can be. How about you?"

"I've been better. You want something to drink?" As she nodded, he poured her a glass of wine with casual elegance that spoke of his upper-class upbringing. "Cheers, Marlene." They touched their glasses together and she looked surprised at the quality of the wine. "Ab saves the good stuff for us, not that disgusting swill he gives to the rest of the clientele. That's the same stuff he gave to me and James and Remus and Peter when we were younger," Sirius explained with a grin.

She shook her head at him, but Sirius knew as well as she did that the first time she'd had alcohol wasn't when she was legal, it was way before. "I was wondering why were we meeting here. Why not Emm's place? This is a little... dodgy, isn't it?"

"Apparently Ab's got news that he didn't want to share anywhere else." Aberforth Dumbledore also didn't like to leave his bar and inn unless he absolutely had to. He was a strange one, especially when taken in comparison with his younger brother, but Sirius knew about younger brothers. He wiped a scowl off his face before it started, not wanting to think about his family. There were some things that didn't need to be brought up when the world was already spelled to hell and back.

"I guess that makes sense." Marlene sipped at her wine again and then sighed and leaned back in her chair. "Still though. I got whistled at on the way in. Who's coming?"

"Everyone who can make it, apparently. We're all staggered coming in though; you know the drill. And who wouldn't whistle at you? You're beautiful, but you don't need me to tell you that."

She grinned at him. "Of course I do. I so often forget. You forgot to add that I'm modest and shy and innocent, too. Don't mess up my attributes, Sirius." Marlene leaned back against the wall, swishing her wine around in its glass as a small group of three people entered the room. She nodded greetings at they uncloaked themselves—Hestia Jones, Emm Vance and Ben Fenwick. They were followed by the Prewett twins, who were accompanied by Dorcas Meadowes. Caradoc Dearborn entered half an hour later, on the heels of Elphius Doge.

Minerva McGonagall was the last to enter at around eleven, when Aberforth was closing the bar. Once Ab himself had shut and locked the door, they all turned their attention to him. "I didn't expect so many of you," he said gruffly to the crowded room. "It's nice t'know I'm still taken seriously. And Black..." He glared at Sirius, forestalling any Sirius/serious jokes, but he couldn't seem to hold onto his glare, for some reason.

Marlene poured herself another glass of wine as the Order shared news. She'd heard most of the latest from Emmeline, who normally ran their headquarters out of her house.

"That's all well and good," Aberforth said over the buzzing of low voices. "But I didn't call you here for social hour. I dunno who did it, but one of the Death Eaters is dead."

Silence fell, and people looked around at each other, waiting for someone to step forward and claim the kill. "Huh," Ab said. "Guess they were right. You-Know-Who killed one of his own, then, if none of you did it, and I haven't heard about any civilian knockin' off a Death Eater. I didn't think he would, especially when I heard the name..." Marlene saw his eyes flicker, but she couldn't tell who he was trying not to look at.

"Who?" Professor McGonagall asked. Marlene still thought of her as 'professor,' even though she'd been told to drop the title.

Aberforth hesitated before saying, "Regulus Black."

There was an indrawn breath that came from Sirius, and he looked like he'd been smacked in the face. Marlene wasn't really paying attention to him. "Reg?" she asked, drawing the attention in the still room. "No," she whimpered. "No!" If she hadn't been leaning against the wall she would have crumpled to the floor, but as it was she slid down, breathing roughly.

"Marlene?" She didn't know who's voice it was and it didn't matter.

"Not Regulus, please." She felt tears welling in her eyes and blinked hard, determined not to let them fall.

"Mar, do you know Regulus?" Sirius asked quietly. His face was unreadable, and Marlene nearly leapt up and throttled him.

"Why aren't you sad?" she hissed at him, going from miserable to furious in an instant.

"Marlene?"

"He's your brother, Merlin damn it all! The least you could do is show a little grief!"

"He hasn't been my brother for years," Sirius retorted.

"You have no _idea_, and that shouldn't matter anyway! He's family! And now—! You could at least pretend to care!" She shot at him, standing up quickly. "He loved you, and you couldn't bear to give him the time of day after he didn't become a Gryffindor!"

"Marlene, _what are you talking about_?" Sirius demanded. They both seemed unaware that they were in a crowded room, filled with onlookers watching them with slightly open mouths and confused expressions.

"Your brother! Regulus Arcturus Black! You made so many mistakes with him, and he never stopped loving you. He told me that he just wanted you to be proud of him for once. But he disappointed you by going into Slytherin and not breaking away from your family like you did, and you never really talked to him after becoming a Gryfiindor, and that tore him apart, and now you won't even grieve for him." She gave him a disgusted look, and revulsion practically dripped from her voice.

"When did you ever _talk_ to him?" Sirius looked a combination of angry and confused, something she'd never seen on his face before.

"Remember when I kissed him in the Great Hall? On that dare?" Sirius nodded once. "That was only the first time."

"Are you saying that you went out with him?"

"No. But I've kissed him more than I've ever kissed anyone." She finally seemed to realize that there were other people in the room and she swallowed, glancing around at them. Then she pulled herself together and straightened, shook back her hair and smoothed her dark blue robes with hands that only shook slightly. Giving Sirius one final, disdainful look nearly worthy of a Malfoy, she swept from the room and out of the bar.

Marlene made it almost to the end of Hogsmeade's main street before the tears started falling. She stumbled into an alley and broke down sobbing, sitting with her knees pulled to her chest in a patch of mud, not caring that her robes were being ruined. She'd left her cloak behind but she didn't care about that either, because Regulus Black was dead.

She'd loved him, after a sort. She knew he wasn't one that she could ever be with openly, not for fear of her family but for fear of his. She had never thought that she could change him, and she hadn't really wanted to, because changing people to fit her views was something she hated. But she'd always gotten the feeling from him, when they were alone together hiding in the outskirts of the forest or in a shadow of a tree by the lake, or tucked away into one of the corners of Hogwarts, she'd always felt like he just wanted to be normal. Marlene had never actually asked that, because she wasn't sure what she'd do if he said he didn't want to be like normal kids, without the pureblood nonsense hanging over his head.

She had wondered sometimes if he would have still kissed her if she hadn't been pureblooded herself. The McKinnons were old blood, older than the Blacks. She had a family tree the size of a Quidditch pitch, if she'd ever felt the need to brag about it. They had a vault deeper than the Blacks did in Gringotts, and a castle to live in, and she wondered if he ever thought of that while they snogged. She wrapped her arms around her knees, hoping that he hadn't. It was something else she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer of.

But beyond her wonderings and her worries and her fears, there had been the simple face that she _had_ loved him. In a different way from the boys she went out with, of course; where those had been relationships based on friendship from the start, or just based on the fact that guys fancied her for her looks; Regulus hadn't approached her. She had been the initiator of the whole... thing, and it had been a different kind of love for that reason. It had never been a traditional relationship, and no one had known. Regulus had said it would be better for both of them if no one knew, and Marlene had agreed because he'd seemed almost scared of his family at times.

She hadn't really blamed him for that—everyone had seen and heard the Howler Sirius was sent when he was placed in Gryffindor. She'd overheard a few stories of the Black household, and wondered how he'd survived it. Once, sick of all the stories and rumors, she'd offered something he hadn't expected.

"_Reg," she said slowly. Dusk had long since fallen and they were both out after curfew, but she hadn't learned so little about the castle in her six years there as to have that faze her. She could sneak back in easily. But she had heard the news about Sirius running __away the past summer and had been wondering how to phrase her offer since, and now seemed like as good of a time as ever. It was late October, and they were enjoying the last of the nice weather in between snogging sessions._

"_Yeah, Mar?" Both the Black brothers called her that, and no one else. She didn't fail to notice the significance, even though she refused to kiss Sirius for his brother's sake. Regulus was touchy about the relationships in the Black family, especially since the past summer. She didn't want or need him to get jealous of his brother for kissing her, and she didn't really want to be shared, especially by two brothers. Plus, she tried not to kiss Regulus when she was with other guys, and she always came back to him in the end. That had to mean something. And anyway, like she'd told him so many times, he was better at snogging than Sirius had been._

"_I've been thinking."_

"_Uh oh," he teased. They so often joked, and it was always a huge relief to hear him acting like a normal guy, without his head stuffed to bursting with pureblood superiority.  
_

"_Shut up," she swatted him playfully on the shoulder. She'd be lying if she said they weren't friends, but neither of them ever really acknowledged it with words. It would make their relationship deeper, more meaningful, and she wasn't sure either of them wanted to go there. She regained seriousness quickly, then continued quietly, choosing her words with care. "I don't mean to presume or anything, but I just wanted... _needed_, I needed to let you know. If you ever need a place to go, my home is yours."_

_He was silent for a long time, longer than she was comfortable with. "Reg?"_

"_Just..." he sighed. "Look, thank you for the offer."_

"_You're never going to take me up on it though, are you?" She could feel a sad smile on her face. It was what she had expected, but not what she wanted. She wanted him free of all of that. She wanted him as free as Sirius seemed to be.  
_

"_How could I? I can't leave, even if I wanted to. Sirius... he's the independent one and everyone knows it. I'm the follower, I always have been."_

"_So follow him away."_

"_I _can't_, Marlene. Please..." he'd sounded so defeated that she dropped the subject._

"_All right. I'll let it go. But it's there."_

That was one of the very few serious conversations they had had. She wished he had come away from all of it, but she knew he wouldn't be Regulus if he had. Or maybe he would be. It was all too late, anyway. Marlene closed her eyes, feeling her tears hot on her face. He could have still been alive if he had left. She had stayed up sometimes, during the school holidays and even a couple of times during the years after she'd left and he was still at Hogwarts, waiting to hear a knock at the door. Every time there was one, her heart would jump, especially as the war progressed. Of course, it was never him, and every time she was disappointed slightly. She had never expected him to show up, but she had hoped. He wouldn't have fought his own family, of course, but he hadn't turned his wand on her.

Instead, he had saved her life.

She had never been the type of girl who wanted or needed someone to save her. She was powerful on her own and she knew it. She was confident and assured, and that lent her more power. But she knew that if he hadn't turned on his ally, she would be dead. There was nothing she could have done short of wandless magic, and that was uncontrollable. She'd known that there were no more Order members coming, and she had accepted her death—and then he'd saved her.

Marlene hadn't even seen him during that fight. She'd had no idea he was there. But she knew he hadn't fought, because she knew he'd seen her. She had always been able to just... _tell_ with him. He wasn't sweating and he wasn't hurt, so he hadn't been fighting, or he'd been doing it sneakily enough that none of her family had caught him, which was so unlikely that she completely dismissed it. He had been there and he hadn't fought, for her. He had been there and saved her life.

It was the first time she'd seen him in almost a year. She had run into him (almost literally) in Diagon Alley, where he'd been picking up his new school supplies. But his family had been there as well, so all she could do was give him a little wave that he returned with a wane smile and he mouthed, "How are you?" He wasn't able to wait for an answer before he vanished into the crowd, pulled along by his family.

She swallowed hard, feeling the tears slowly abate and subside. Her last words to him had made her heart break._ I wish it could have been different_. Those were words she would remember for the rest of her life. Marlene closed her eyes again, hoping with all her heart that he'd known that she never hated him for joining the Death Eaters. She couldn't hate him.

"Marlene?" A low voice asked. "Merlin, you're getting soaked out here." Warm hands draped her cloak over her shoulders and she felt someone kneel down next to her. Opening her eyes, she didn't know if she was surprised or not, relieved or not, to see Sirius, staring at her with concerned, if still slightly angry, grey eyes. "Are you all right?"

"No," she answered bluntly.

"Will you be all right?"

"Eventually."

"Look, can I ask... what the hell was all of that?"

"You... you didn't seem sad for him." She was determined not to fly off the handle again, and anyway, the rain had cooled down her temper. She was tired, she realized for the first time. She was tired and she wanted to go to sleep. "I was angry."

"What... I don't know if I want to ask this, but what was he to you?"

"A friend. Someone that could have been more. A hell of a good snogger." Her lips twitched on that last one.

"Really?" Sirius sounded dubious. She didn't think he was talking about his brother's snogging abilities, but that was the one she chose to answer. Sirius deserved a little discomfort now.

"I wasn't lying when I told him he was better than you. Plus, I trained him up. He had natural ability, but I helped him hone it."

"Okay, I don't think I want to hear about Regulus's snogging ability. And you only ever kissed me a few times."

"Yeah, but he had raw talent. You were good, don't get me wrong, but for his first kiss, and his second, you know, the ones where people normally act like fish, he was absolutely brilliant. You'd had practice; I could tell. Not as much of a natural."

Sirius coughed, slightly uncomfortable. "This is a really weird conversation."

"I know."

"Marlene..." He hesitated. "All of that makes sense, I guess, how you were... together, sort of, and I get that he was your friend even if I don't really understand how, but there's something else. I know there is."

"Aren't you perceptive?" She sighed, then said, "I suppose it can't hurt to tell you. He saved my life."

"What?" She didn't know if it was shock mixed with a tinge or horror or what that was in his voice, and she worked hard at controlling her temper. It annoyed her to no end that Sirius apparently didn't think that his brother had any good in him at all, despite Marlene considering herself to be a good judge of character. It was infuriating that he didn't trust her judgment and that he didn't trust his brother. She had always considered family to be one of the strongest bonds, and to have Sirius just write off Regulus like that... she took a deep breath.

"A few months ago. When I was with my family, and we stumbled across a trail of Death Eaters, you remember me telling you about that." When he nodded, she continued. "I was the last one fighting, and I told you all that I took him out. That wasn't true. He had me bound up, and he said that I could join You-Know-Who or die. I chose dying, and I was ready to because there was absolutely no way out."

She paused for a moment, then went on, trying to keep her voice even and not tight. It wasn't working. "Suddenly the Death Eater holding me captive was in chains and I could move. I picked up my wand and saw Reg standing there. He was the only one, and he walked away after looking at me. I said... it doesn't matter, but he saved my life."

Sirius was silent, staring at nothing, and Marlene stood up. "Thank you for bringing my cloak. I should go." She turned and walked out of the alley, leaving him kneeling there in the rain.

When he showed up at her apartment later that night, drenched and shivering, she merely raised an eyebrow at him as she let him in. "Don't tell me you've been out there the whole time."

"If I say I haven't will you believe me?"

"No. Go stand by the fire and dry your cloak." She waved her wand at him, directing a stream of warm air at his clothes. When she was done he was still shaking, so she made him a cup of tea and got him a blanket. Once he was curled up on her couch she sat down across from him. "Want to tell me what you're doing here?"

"There isn't going to be a funeral."

"If You-Know-Who killed him or had him killed, I didn't think there would be. It's not something your family would exactly approve of, pissing off You-Know-Who."

"No," he said quietly, "it's not." _It's something you would do, something you have done, and you don't know what to think about the implications of that_, Marlene thought but didn't say. There was no point rubbing in what Sirius already knew. She had other things to say to him, but she waited for him to speak first. He had come to her, after all. They were silent for a little while, then he asked, so softly she almost didn't hear him, "Did you love him?"

"Honestly? Yes." She said it without hesitation, then continued. "But I never let myself admit it. We never talked about anything like that—we never even talked about friendship. I considered him one of my friends, and I'm almost certain he did too, but it wasn't something we ever said."

"So that's why you were crying."

"Yes and no." Marlene felt like she owed him this explanation. Or maybe she just needed to explain it to herself. "I loved him, yeah. But I was crying because he... I don't really know how to explain this. He saved my life. He risked everything for me. He could have let that Death Eater kill me, but he didn't. He also could have turned me away at any point, and he didn't do that either. At first, I thought he just wanted a friend. A few years later, I knew he was desperate for _anyone_, and I realized that he simply needed someone to care about him as more than a pawn to curry favor with. So I did my best to show him I cared, without ever saying it. I felt so bad for him, and I was so _angry_ with you. He loved you so much. He always looked up to you—it was one of the reasons I wanted him to know that he kissed better than you did. He saw so many things wrong with himself, and so many things that you could do that he'd never be able to. So many ways that you were better than him."

She stopped talking and swirled around the dregs of her tea, looking down into it. "Your family had him so beaten down looking for something that was wrong, any flaw, that he couldn't see his own potential. I wanted so much for him to see that something as little as a thought, a possibility, could shatter and transform him. But he never did." Marlene shrugged slightly, now staring at the fire. She felt another tear slip down her face and gave a watery, half-hearted laugh. "I've never cried this much over any guy."

"I didn't think you cried over guys at all."

"Only ones like him, I guess. When I left school, I knew things would change. I saw him once, at Diagon Alley. I could tell he missed me. The next time I saw him was when he saved my life. And now he's dead, and I never got to tell him... everything." More tears fell and she shook her head, swiping at her face. "Dammit, I hate crying."

"So, you didn't want whatever you had to be over?"

"I never asked for it to be over. But that's the way it is with life. Some of the most beautiful moments come to us by happenstance. But even the most beautiful things come to an end. A beautiful sunset. That's what it is, just that...the end."

"That's incredibly poetic."

She glanced sidelong at Sirius. "Regulus loved poetry."

"Really?"

"Mhmm. Even Muggle poetry—I bought a book of it for him once. I asked Lily what poet she'd recommend for me, because I made up something about how I was curious about Muggle poetry, and she said Robert Frost. She told me he'd be easy enough for a witch like me to find even in a Muggle bookstore, and I bought the book of his 'best works,' according to the back of it. Reg disguised it as a transfiguration textbook and read it all the time. Sometimes he would read me excerpts, both Muggle and wizard. Once he told me that Frost said 'freedom lies in being bold,' and I never had the heart to tell him to act on it. But there was a poem he particularly was fond of, called _The Road Less Traveled_. He used to recite lines from it all the time... I still remember part of it." She cleared her throat and then recited,

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

For the first time in a while, Marlene turned to look at him, actually look at him, not just flick her gaze over to him. Her eyes, normally dark blue, glowed at him in the firelight and turned to smoldering cobalt, the most intense shade of blue he had ever seen, and not for the first time Sirius noticed that she was utterly beautiful. For the first time though, he was envious of his little brother. "Reg always said it reminded him of you. Where you took the road less traveled by your family, he had to stay on the prescribed path. Every single time he compared himself to you, it broke my heart."

"Was the point of all this to make me feel guilty?"

"Not really. I've been meaning to talk to you about him for years, but there was never a way to do it. How would I start that conversation? 'Hi, Sirius. I know we don't talk all that often, but we're friends, right? I've got something I need to tell you—I've been snogging your brother for the past few years, and I think you need to talk with him about your relationship.' Yeah, that would have gone over very well."

"Do you think I could have stopped him joining the Death Eaters?" He was working very hard to keep his voice steady, she could tell.

Marlene heaved a deep sigh. "Yes."

"Fuck." Sirius closed his eyes and pressed his face into his hands. His shoulders shook with repressed sobs. "_Fuck_."


End file.
